Roger

February 28, 2008 at 5:10 am (Love, Relationship, family)
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You are perfect,
You are the favorite,
you are the star,
you are two.

You are loved,
You are a boy,
you are a joy,
you are two.

You are lost,
You are missed,
you are dead,
you are two.

You the first born,
the boy,
the star
and the joy.
You the perfect kid,
your the best they seen.

But you where 2 year’s old.

You will always be 2,
and still my big brother.
You will always be 2,
and still be number one.
You will always be 2,
and still i have to fight you.

I can’t cry for you,
I can’t mourn for you.
I never met you.
I just spent my whole life in your shadow.

How can I hate you,
you are my brother.
But have can I not hate you,
you stole my life.

I will never be you,
I will never be the perfect one.
I will never know the love you had.

They gave you all,
and you died.
They gave me the rest,
and I lived.

My life, the fight,
to measure up to a 2 year old.

You died to young,
you died to soon,
you died before I ever got born.

To my big brother.
To my dead brother.

To my mum,
you are still real.
To me,
you are a stone at the graveyard.

You the picture on the wall.
you are the name they want to call.
You are their one and all.

How can I fight this fight,
how can I win this fight.

I can’t. I lost. 3 years before I was even born.

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Lonely

February 26, 2008 at 5:02 am (Loneliness)
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How can you be happy alone?
Oh yes, some people might say they are happy and alone. But are they truly alone? Usually not. You have your family, your friends, your colleagues and your neighbours. Is that being alone? No!

How can I be happy alone?
Sleep? I wake up, don’t need to but I can if I feel like it. Or I can stay in bed all day. If I choose to get up, do I bother put on clothes or just use some all rags that look awful. Why bother? No one would miss me if I stayed in bed all day. No one would see what I wear or not. Or when I sleep, day-time or night-time its no different.
Food? I eat if I get hungry, maybe once a day. Or less if the money are tight.
Outside? No one talks to me, no one want to admit they know me. No one to visit or nowhere to go. Today’s society costs to much to have fun in, if your broke you loose.
Entertainment? Talking to people online or playing WOW (World of Warcraft) or watch TV. If I’m lucky someone talk to me, even luckier I get to play and do something in WoW. But most days ends sitting alone, in real life and in my online WoW.

And if anyone see your lonely or miserable, they leave you be cause you need time to cope. I don’t need time alone. I’m always alone. I don’t know how you can cure loneliness, with leaving people to continue be alone.

How can you say your happy alone? When you don’t know what being alone is.
I don’t have a family, I don’t have friends, I don’t have workmates, all I have in life is my cat. Is that how its suppose to be, sorry your to much of a wasted time.

Don’t say your happy alone, before you tried it.

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Daddy’s girl

February 14, 2008 at 4:58 am (Divorce)
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Why grow up… Where is the lucky little girl that wanted to be big? Where did my childhood go?

I look in the photos and see a happy little girl, I know it once where me, but where is she? Is happiness something that expire? Mine did, as did my childhood, best before 1983. Sometimes I wonder why – but its always the same answer. Its the same answer that looks back at me in the mirror everyday.

I feel like its my punishment. I once was “Daddy’s girl”, and then just like that he didn’t want me or need me anymore. But how can I change that, i am still the same. The little girl looking like her daddy, being like her daddy. Is that my punishment for him not wanting me.

Its 25 years ago, why do I still feel like the little 8 year old that lost her daddy.  Some times I wish he had died instead, would made it all easier to have a grave to mourn at. But i have to live with the knowledge that he is alive and just don’t care enough to know me.

Is this why my life can’t be normal, and I cant do things or trust people. How can someone do that to a child? Divorce, is a form of child abuse.

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