Roger

February 28, 2008 at 5:10 am (Love, Relationship, family)
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You are perfect,
You are the favorite,
you are the star,
you are two.

You are loved,
You are a boy,
you are a joy,
you are two.

You are lost,
You are missed,
you are dead,
you are two.

You the first born,
the boy,
the star
and the joy.
You the perfect kid,
your the best they seen.

But you where 2 year’s old.

You will always be 2,
and still my big brother.
You will always be 2,
and still be number one.
You will always be 2,
and still i have to fight you.

I can’t cry for you,
I can’t mourn for you.
I never met you.
I just spent my whole life in your shadow.

How can I hate you,
you are my brother.
But have can I not hate you,
you stole my life.

I will never be you,
I will never be the perfect one.
I will never know the love you had.

They gave you all,
and you died.
They gave me the rest,
and I lived.

My life, the fight,
to measure up to a 2 year old.

You died to young,
you died to soon,
you died before I ever got born.

To my big brother.
To my dead brother.

To my mum,
you are still real.
To me,
you are a stone at the graveyard.

You the picture on the wall.
you are the name they want to call.
You are their one and all.

How can I fight this fight,
how can I win this fight.

I can’t. I lost. 3 years before I was even born.

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Who am I?

February 27, 2008 at 2:53 pm (Friendship, Love, Men, Relationship)
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Who am I? What am I? Will I ever find out?

Who am I?
I’m 34, and an adult woman you would say.
So how can I be lost and don’t know?
I live alone and have my freedom, and own will.
So how can I be lost and don’t know?

What am I?
I might be someones daughter,
I might be someones ex-wife,
I might me someones sister,
but what am I?

Will I ever find out?
No one ever asked me or wanted to know me. Do this, do that, and you will have fun. Why is it fun? Cause you said so?
How about me? What about what I want and I like? Do anyone care?
Always getting told what to do. And how to do it. Being told whats fun, and whats proper, and whats normal. That’s not how life is suppose to be.

Do you want a girlfriend that’s independent and fun and energetic? Or do you want a well trained dog, that you can tell what to do.

I don’t know who I am, or what I am. You never let me find out, do this and do that. How could you love me, when you wanted to change everything about me?

I am someone. Not just a daughter, a sister or a ex-wife. I’m me. I don’t know who that is yet, but I hope I can find it out soon.
If you wanna be my friend or more, you have to like me as I am … I’m not a doll or a dog, you can’t make me something I’m not.

I’m ME – live with it or get lost. 

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Lost

February 27, 2008 at 2:10 pm (Love, Men, Relationship)
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I’m lost, who will ever find me?
I’m lost, but are you even looking for me?
Find me,
keep me,
treasure me,
and love me.

I’m not a fairy tale. But you can still be a knight, with or without a shining armor. Rescue me.

There is nothing wrong with treating a girl right, be a man not an ape.

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Lonely

February 26, 2008 at 5:02 am (Loneliness)
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How can you be happy alone?
Oh yes, some people might say they are happy and alone. But are they truly alone? Usually not. You have your family, your friends, your colleagues and your neighbours. Is that being alone? No!

How can I be happy alone?
Sleep? I wake up, don’t need to but I can if I feel like it. Or I can stay in bed all day. If I choose to get up, do I bother put on clothes or just use some all rags that look awful. Why bother? No one would miss me if I stayed in bed all day. No one would see what I wear or not. Or when I sleep, day-time or night-time its no different.
Food? I eat if I get hungry, maybe once a day. Or less if the money are tight.
Outside? No one talks to me, no one want to admit they know me. No one to visit or nowhere to go. Today’s society costs to much to have fun in, if your broke you loose.
Entertainment? Talking to people online or playing WOW (World of Warcraft) or watch TV. If I’m lucky someone talk to me, even luckier I get to play and do something in WoW. But most days ends sitting alone, in real life and in my online WoW.

And if anyone see your lonely or miserable, they leave you be cause you need time to cope. I don’t need time alone. I’m always alone. I don’t know how you can cure loneliness, with leaving people to continue be alone.

How can you say your happy alone? When you don’t know what being alone is.
I don’t have a family, I don’t have friends, I don’t have workmates, all I have in life is my cat. Is that how its suppose to be, sorry your to much of a wasted time.

Don’t say your happy alone, before you tried it.

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Men or Pigs? Relationship or Sex?

February 25, 2008 at 3:06 am (Men, Relationship)
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Why is all men want sex? Why can’t I just find a nice guy that could care about me? There are more to a girl than boobs and sex. But all a guy want is to know your cup size and how good you are in bed.

Where is the normal guy? The one that likes a hug and want to cuddle up on the couch with a movie? The one that wants to go for a walk holding hands and talk?

No they dont exist, all guys want is sex. No names needed, just a quicky at a hotel or something. Or the really shallow onces, “Sorry but your not good enough your house and living area is slumming it” …
I talk to guys all the time online, and all it ends to if you want them to keep talking you need a web-cam and be willing to “entertain”. Cyber with me? Or I’ll ignore you. That’s the game they play.

And no matter how much its, “Sure lets be friends”. It allways ends in sex. If they dont get it no friends…
Why do all men want to treat girls like cheap whore’s, not actually wanting a relationship, just a cheap fuck.

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Sweet you =)

February 22, 2008 at 1:27 pm (Love, Relationship)
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I love You. But I can’t have you. I miss you, but I never had you.
To bad I lost you, before I ever knew you.  Hearing you voice is all I can ask for, and it ripps my heart out. I would do anything to get you and have you to myself, but I do think I was to late.

I love You. But I can’t have you.

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How can I say I’m sorry?

February 21, 2008 at 2:27 am (Relationship)
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I have this weird feeling, I should say “sorry”, but I don’t know why. My headaches are killing me and ruining my life. How can I be sorry for something I never knew I did.
I am sitting here again, looking back at the 2-3 last days, not knowing what I did or what happened. All I know is I had headaches, and its coming back. But what happened, and who did I hurt or offend this time ?

I really need help, I can’t cope with my headaches. And knowing I’m hurting people and being rude, no wonder people hate me. I don’t like the person my headaches make me become, cause she aint nice. I might deserve friends, but she don’t…

I’m sorry. Its not me… really.

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Friends? Or aquaintances?

February 21, 2008 at 2:17 am (Friendship, Relationship)
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Thats a hard thing to figure out. Someone comes and say they wanna be your friend, but they only want you when they need you. If you need a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry one or maybe just a hug. Then they are always busy. And when your not needed anymore or they figured out they found something better, your thrown away like garbage.

Why is friendship becoming a consumable? Something you use and throw away when you get a new, like a monthly magazine. Future feature; “Subscribe to our friendship service - you get a new fresh friend every 4th week”.

And if your someones friend why dont they tell you if something is wrong, not just avoid you. Cause maybe your not that much of a friend to them, they dont care cause they dont need you at that time … 

I cant do this game. I cant be a friend on demand, and then put away again after use. I want you and need you to be my friend, but out friendship has to mean something to you too. Its not a one way thing.

Friends? Or aquaintances? What shall it be?

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Trust

February 17, 2008 at 4:46 am (Friendship, Relationship, Trust)
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How can I trust anyone? When all you do is backstabb me? I let you hurt me again and again and again, and I forgive you and believe you … And every time it goes a few days or a few weeks, and you hurt me again. your stories always sounds good and your excuses is hard to crack…  But I always end up getting the feeling your lying to me. It hurts to know I think your a friend, and you say you are, but you never act like it is true.

How can I trust you? You break your promises. You are a liar. You hide the truth to just end up hurting me even more. You avoid me and ignore me, until you think i forgotten and are in a forgiving mood. Why cant you see that this is why I don’t trust you, and you are ruining me and my life. If you are my friend and you say you are, and i cant even trust you how can i trust anyone ever again.

Every time you break a promise you break a part of my heart and my trust … You and the others have shattered my heart by now … It’s soon nothing left and you can’t just go get a new and start again.

I’m cold and distant and you think I’m to much work to bother getting close to … maybe you have a cure for my heart and my trust, if only your honest and kind. I’m not outgoing and social. I’m not cheerful and happy. All I get told is that I’m to bitch and harsh. I joke and I insult you, not cause I mean it, but to beat you to it. It’s better you mad at me for being rude, than that you get close enough to hurt me. I might loose you that way, but its better to loose you than to let you hurt me. If you was “for real” you would understand it and see it and stay …. but no one do.

And neither did you …

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Why?

February 16, 2008 at 12:49 am (Friendship, Relationship)
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Why do you hate me?
Why do I never fit in?
Why is all I do always wrong?
Why is everything going wrong?
Why do everyone lie?
Why? Why? Why? Why?

That’s always it. Why?
Everything is always why. And no matter what, no one will never answer you on that. How can you ever fix whats wrong if no one will answer any of your questions?

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